Heartfelt

I could cry a tear
for each picture i dont get to be in
for every memory i dont get to share.

I could tell you that i'm sorry
that we had to part our ways,
that i couldnt always be there.

I could lament
that you think that i've avoided you
or that ive ceased to care

I could mourn
for the time when that was true,
and the time i wasted there.

I could tell you
about the tears i've cried
day and night on your behalf

I could tell you,
but i doubt you'd believe.
You'd probably sit and laugh.

I could say
that i wish every day
i could see your smiles again

I could say
i wanted to go back
and let the devil win.

But i can't,
i musn't, i won't
nothing is farther from me.

My path is set,
the road is long,
charging off to face our enemy.

I wished
that you would come along,
to see what He has shown me

But you just smiled
and turned away.
the choice that grows 'tween you and me.

So i shed
my single tear.
to tell you that i miss you

and keep pressing on
through wind and rain
standing on what is true.

I'm not coming back
the way i came,
i cant be what i was before

I've changed, been freed
grown up, matured
my heart released to soar.

But if you care to find me,
look not to the western sky
Look to the narrow gate and road,
the road less traveled by.

I wipe my eyes,
i dry my tear
and leave my fears behind me,

away from the old
pressing on into Him.
If you want to know how,
you know where to find me.

Consecration

To stand firm where you've feared to tread,
To walk straight through what you're running from,
To take that step only to find yourself standing on the sea:
Are you ready?

To close the doors and keep them sealed,
To sever that which was always your pride and joy,
To abandon what you've always wanted only
to find what you never knew you needed:
Are you willing?

To tune out the noise and finally hear truth
in the silence,
To block out the colors and see where
light and darkness collide,
To come to the end of yourself
and find who you were crafted to be,
To place all you think you are down,
and receive what He gives you:
Will you pay that cost?

To give your life
to the sound of His voice,
To live His Life
at the base of the Cross,
To walk through the tear in the veil,
see the Face and Glory of the King,
be touched with the coal and hear
"Whom shall I send?"

Will you wait?
Will you listen?
Will you go?
Will you lay it down,
Give it up,
Die
and truly begin to live?

The answer is yours,
but the question is now.
What is your answer?

On VIsion and Passion

At our last training, God hit me with a startling question. "What is your Vision?" Something i never thought of before. I was always content to follow someone else's vision. So when hit with the idea that as a leader i needed something to call someone to. And up till now, i was content to leave ISaiah 61 and the GReat COmmission as my vision. But this ultimately left me stranded in vaguity and without direction. But one thing still seems to call to me from the corners. A vision. The thing that God has specifically made me to do. My mission and what that looks like. What I now see as one of the most intimate relations to God: to have something on His heart specifically branded onto yours. I have been seeking this for the past few days here, and God has given me a peace in the uncertainty of it all. What He has shown me in the definite however, is passion. That burning force that is at the base of all I do in ministry. the passions that shape all my values. I dont really know how to describe it, but this is all i can say, and i hope it makes sense. It all revolves around seeing the Bride walk in the holiness in which she was made to walk.
1.) a desire to see truth claimed, proclaimed and lived by
2.) A desire to walk the members of the body through pain
3.) to carry the burdens of the weak and weary
most of these passions only barely make sense in their wording, but i cant find the words to express what i feel so strongly. But then the question still remains, what do i do with this? How does this all work together? Where will this take me? WHat does this all look like? and at the same time, a desire to just throw the questions into the dust and walk without knowing, just trusting as it comes. So now i find myself being torn between the questions and the actions. do i go forth or do i ask? when i word it like that, the prefereable choice is obivious, but i still find myself torn. questions that i want to answer, but that in truth is the chain that keeps me from walking, isnt it? That an unanswered question, not knowing who, what, when, where, why or which one for how long can hinder and bind, if not completely debilitate. So i stand here, having said, acknowledged, confessed and understood everything that i've just written, and find myself stuck, at "where do i go from here?" how to stop asking the question is really the only answer i want right now.

actually answering a question

just realized that i never actually adressed the question from 2 posts ago.

"Is imagination a quality of God that is given to His children, or a corruption of His quality of creativity?" or something like that.

although now that i have set myself on answering this, i find that i dont think that creativity and imagination actually have anything to do with each other.

Creative rests upon the root word 'create', and usually has some connotation of originality.

Imagination is rooted in the word 'image', and usually denotes forming images or concepts in the mind.

Now, these two work greatly together, the imagination creating concepts, ideas, and images, while creativity makes them concrete and tangible. but they dont necessarily need each other, nor are they in any way the exact same thing. Creativity has many expressions that dont require imagination (although they may benefit from it) , including problem solving and impromptu art forms, such as free writing or improve acting/singing. Imagination also has many expressions that require no creativity, such as memory recall, like when you mentally retrace your steps when your trying to remember where you put your car keys, doing math problems in your head, and often processing concepts. also, making any mental concept of a sensory experience that isnt actally present requires the imagination.

Just another thought

More pondering on imagination

After my last post, I pretty much found expressions of creativity that were outside of imaginiation, as mentioned in my last post. I also found that, to an extent, imagining is unavoidable, being the process which, if not responsible for, is greatly connected to memory, desigining, or making any kind of plan. But the concept of imagination in fiction still poses a question, with the answers and lines wavering as to their placement. Using Bible gateway, i could only find a few definitions of the term imagine. this is primarily because Bible Gateway only has a concordance for NASB and KJV.

In KJV, the most common definitions revolve around making plans, or devising something. others include reckon, think, and a few specifically about plotting evil

The NASB only has one use of the word, to used by Mordecai to warn Esther not to imagine (in this use, to think or make oneself out to be) that she could escape the fate of her people.

The other versions, while not having a dictionary reference, have contexts which denote similar meaning. But how do these meanings and definitions line up with the definition of what i'm putting on trial here? Is writing fiction in truth devising something or making some plan? I can clearly see in some instances, many in my life, how in my imaginings i planned, devised and worked out evil will towards others. But is this inescapable? Many imaginings are truly and undeniably vile and opposed to God's will. H.P. Lovecraft, Stephen King, Ann Rice, J.K Rowling, write stories that by their very nature deny His God-ness. But is this avoidable in fiction? or is writing anything other than history effectively an elaborate lie, inherently a sin?

My thought goes to the parable. What is it by its nature? a truth in a story that was revealed to some and not to others. Was Jesus talking about actual seeds that were actually eaten by actual birds? I don't know, He might have been, but i dont think so. (know that i'm discussing parables now because part of what im studying is whether or not allegorical fiction is truly justified by God.) Those stories were about people and things that, as far as we know, did not actually exist. He speaks of things symbolically, doesnt He? and by the nature of Symbolism, doesnt that make them fictional? not to say unreal, He was telling truth in symbols, but can fiction be true? or does that defeat the purpose of fiction? One of the many definitions of fiction is a lie, which is contrary to everything that God is, but another is :an imaginary thing or event, postulated for the purposes of argument or explanation, and isnt that what is done in the parables? But i don't think i can stay on that part of the rant because it will most likely dissolve into a discussion of semantics, and those are NEVER productive.

maybe simply asking the question would get to the point better. Can I write a fictional story about people who dont really exist, doing things that never really happened in a place that never really existed, and not lie? Before you answer, think about this. I dont just mean completely unreal, with no basis in reality. This includes ANYTHING short of historical documentaion and autobiography. a character who is simply BASED on me is not really me and therefore never existed. Would telling his story be a lie even though it is my story? Why not just tell the actual story? i guess thats the question i have to ask myself. But what if the story is so much bigger? more than say or hope to describe? I don't really know, and i hope that people actually comment on this because input would be appreciated.

So at this point, i find myself at a roadblock: Fiction by its very nature seems like a lie, but that cannot be true as Jesus uses fiction and He is incapable of lying. Of course, i could be GREATLY misunderstanding or overthinking some things as i am guilty of that often. but m mind is fried right now, and i need to sleep. till i post again

A Question to Ponder

Recently a question has been assigned to me: a study of sorts.

Is the imagination something we are created with, or is it a corruption of God's creative quality, which He assigns to us?

This question when posed caused me a great deal of distress. For me, the two were almost indistinguishable. how can one be without the other? of course upon bringing that up, God immediately showed me a few things;

1.) Imagining takes us out of the real world. It does not engage with reality in any way, it is the product of our minds and our minds alone.

2.) Other creative outlets for me include poetry, sketching, other forms of writing and singing. Aside from singing in the realm of theatre performance and certain prose writing, none of these activities take me out of reality. My attention is focused on the task at hand, but not to the complete exclusion of reality. In fact, my attention becomes rooted in reality, in the working of the medium with which i am expressing said creativity.

3.)Also, in specific events where the product of creativity was prompted by the Holy Spirit, the mind is barely engaged, or thinking at all, only reacting to the Spirit's voice, which focuses the attention on God.

So, overall, before actually doing study in the Word, which is the next necessary step, it appears that imaginiation is actually quite different than creativity. Imagination is the mind working with and within itself, focused on its own creation. Creativity is a working of the mind with the world around it. and Spirit-prompted creativity focuses on nothing but the Lord, where i desire my focus to always be. So, in short, it seems that Imagination is not a basic part of creativity, but vice versa: Imagination requires creativity, but serves no purpose but to please itself.

Be posting again when i get more Scripture.

Battlefield

Spin, spin
I see you spinning
round and round about me

Closer still,
I can feel you pressing
attempting to smother me
with thoughts foreign yet familiar.

Screaming, shouting
roars from every corner
overwhelming the ears
blocking me out:
i can't hear through it all

Silence falls;
His name is spoken
and my spirit bows
to its One True King.
His victory is won
and you are powerless

So scream and spin,
shout and smother;
He will still win.
My heart may weep,
my eyes be cast down,
But I am still His
and the fire is still yours.